LIFE

I am sleepy and there is still so much work to do. Everyone is sleeping and the house is so silent. Ahhh! Peace! I spend a lot of time inside my head. It is so interesting because I can't ever seem to get what is in my head onto paper. I would love it if we could just plug a tape recorder into our minds and record all of our thoughts. What a sight that would be! It could be our own personal mp3 player. How do I articulate what is reeling in my mind day after day? Hmmm... I have been contemplating quite often lately what is reality and what has been socially constructed. What if there is truly no meaning to life? What if we are just here and then we are gone? Is there really a God? Will I be struck down by lightening if I question God's existence? Why are people so hateful? Why am I so angry? I most certainly need to stop watching the news and reading the newspapers. So many things are so wrong and I don't know how to fix them. I am only one person and sometimes it seems not too many other people care. Have we gotten so wrapped up in ourselves that we cannot see things falling apart around us? There are so many times that I wish I could go back to my old ignorant self. I wish I could live like I was the only one that mattered. Unfortunately, I cannot go back. I have an internal struggle between my soul and my mind and it is very frustrating at times. I want to be quiet and not seen and shy away and crawl in a hole. I don't want people to see me; I want to be invisible. That is in my mind. I have even tried to make myself into this "ideal" person that I think I want to be; all to no avail. It is inevitable that I will open my mouth and say something, that I will get involved, that I will take charge, even when I don't want to. I have experimented with this. I always thought that every one was like me and if I would step back someone else would step up to the plate and take control and get things done. This past summer I tried this at a retreat. I tried to sit back and let others in my group take the lead. I was completely shocked when no one else in the group stepped up. I waited for three days for someone in my group to take the leadership role, but no one ever did. Needless to say...I did. It is in my soul to lead, it is in my soul to fight, it is in my soul to right the wrongs and I just cannot change it. My mind knows that this will be a long and hard role. I am not taking the easy way out. I have started my own motto "If it is easy it isn't worth doing"! It seems every time I try to take the easy way out it has devastating consequences. I have so much more to say, but my homework calls and it is already after 2:00 am. No sleep for the soul searcher...

BLESSED

Today is my birthday and I am truly blessed. Though life has taken some pretty sharp turns and I wasn't sure I would survive, I have begun my journey to my true purpose. In the past two years I have learned so much about my own flaws, my own inadequacies, and where I need to go in my life. I am truly blessed to have the opportunity to get an education and to live the life I only dreamed of before. If I can get this far on so little faith, how far can I go when I actually believe in myself? I am trying to keep an open mind so that I do not limit myself. Those things that I never thought possible have become a reality and that shows me that anything is possible. How can I stop my mind from running the old tapes in my head that I just can't do something? I am alive, I am living and sometimes I don't even realize it. I often complain because I have to walk so far from my parking spot at school to my class. What a shitty thing to do! I am lucky that I can walk! It is hard to be as old as I am and just be learning the lessons that so many learned as children. I have lived for others since I was born. I have lived to please others and to be like others and to be liked by others. I don't know who I am. I have tried numerous times to figure out where I lost my genuine self, but I cannot find that pivotal moment. I think it may be that I never knew myself. You cannot lose what you never had! I am starting from scratch at 33. I am learning, just as a child learns. I am growing just as a child grows. My childhood and subsequent years were spent just trying to survive. I didn't know when I would eat or where I would sleep or if I would be raped or beaten again. I am safe now. Only through this safety can I even take the first step in learning who I am. There are many theories about what leads someone to finding themselves. However, I have never heard someone say that safety is the key. Education, money, possessions, husbands, children all mean nothing if you are not safe. If you spend your lifetime in survival mode you cannot even begin to grow and be nurtured. Safety is the key to finding your soul. Safety is the key to finding your journey in life. One day I will help other women find that safety so that they can begin to learn who they are. If every woman was guaranteed their safety what a wonderful world this would be. If every woman could live one day without fear what a wonderful day that would be. We cannot find our true selves until we are provided with a nurturing and safe environment where the fear of losing our lives is no longer a constant companion. Safety is the key!