A GIFT

I was given a gift. Two years ago today, I gave birth to a beautiful angelic little baby boy. Though he has challenged me throughout these last two years, I am so glad he is here. He communicates differently than most two year olds and it has opened my mind and broadened my horizons to new forms of communication. He has taught me so much about myself and has helped to squash some very negative ideas that I had about myself and my ability to be a mother. I love him dearly. Though I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant, I thank God every day that I have him here with me. I know, after everything he has survived, that he chose to be here, right here, with me. I cannot think of a better gift to be given than being chosen as a mother. I am sure that he is here with me to teach me just as much as I am here to teach him. I look forward to the life that we are going to have together and I feel truly blessed that he thought enough of me to choose me to be his mother.

When I was assaulted, I chose to move away from my home to keep my family and I safe. Because of the timing of my move I had to withdraw from school leaving a very hefty tuition bill due. The loans and grants that I qualified for were returned and I was solely responsible for the entire tuition bill. It was no small tuition bill; it was over $3,000. I tried to get the school to forgive the loan based on the circumstances under which I moved, but they only offered special payment arrangements. So, for the past two years I have been paying on this tuition bill. It has put a strain on my finances and I thought maybe I should try to do something about it. I decided rather than dealing with financial aid and the bursar's office I would write to the president of the college. I typed up a letter once again explaining the circumstances under which I moved. I held the letter close to my heart and prayed for the angels to bring the letter and present it to the recipient. I mailed the letter and tried to put it out of my mind so that the universe and the angels could work magic. Yesterday I received a letter back from the college. I was very nervous and my son decided to open it and read it for me. I broke down in tears when my son said that the letter stated that my tuition bill had been forgiven in the amount of $2374. If ever I doubted the power of the universe, the existence of the angels, and God I am certain now that they exist. Thank you for protecting me and my family and thank you for being the messengers of my letter. I will forever have this as a reminder of your existence and your protection over me.

Gifts come in all different sizes and shapes and come from many different people and places. It is important for us to recognize the gifts that we have been given even when we think there aren't any. I have begun to systematically go through my past and seek out the gifts that I was too ignorant or too angry to see. I have begun to uncover a network of earth angels that have propelled me forward and believed in me even when I didn't care about myself. I have begun to write and send thank you cards to them even though it may have been ten years since I have spoken to them. I hope everyone will take the time to find the gifts they have been given in life and to thank those who have moved them forward and believed in them even in the worst of times. We are all given gifts and we are all blessed with earth angels; we just have to take the time to see them.

MY DREAMS

I am reading a book and it suggests keeping a success journal. The first thing to put in this journal is your dreams. So, I wrote them in my journal, but I thought I would put them here as well. I believe that things you write down can eventually come to pass. I have had experience with this. Several years ago, I wrote a list of things I wanted to do. It was an off the wall list...a dream list if you will. I wrote it in my daytimer and then completely forgot about it. When I was cleaning out my datebook to put my things into a new one I came across the list. Surprisingly, I had accomplished each thing that I had put on that list. Too bad I didn't continue making dream lists! I am going to put my dreams out for the universe to catch and bring back to me when the time is right!

My dreams are:
A score on the LSAT that will allow me to choose what law school I want to attend
Have law school paid for with money left over
Earn a law degree/Ph.D.
Be a writer
Have enough money to fulfill every dream and to donate, donate, donate!
Create a litigation program for victims in criminal court
Make an impact in this world
Graduate at the top of my class
Keep money flowing
Further humanity
Further world peace
Heal my past
Find the right partner
Travel to Africa
Meet Angelina Jolie
Meet Oprah Winfrey
Always be thankful for what I have been given and what I will receive
Lose Weight
Be authentic
Thank those that have helped me along the way
Always follow my dreams
Always remember there is no limit to what I can do
Take life one step at a time
I want to serve and always serve consciously
Surround myself with positive people
Live my passion
Be myself
Uncover my culture
Stay healthy
Remain thankful and generous
Live right now!
Travel to Paris
Travel to Hawaii
Travel around the world!!!

You are to continue to add to your dreams as you progress through your life and your successes. I will let the universe deal with the "how" and I am going to continue to do what I can to move towards fulfilling my dreams!

BLOOD DIAMOND

Okay, I know, I really need to quit watching these movies. Anyhow, everyone should watch this movie and then never buy diamonds again. Just my opinion, but I don't think I want to wear something or for that matter store it in a vault that someone may have died or lost body parts for. Look what our greed and affinity for rarity has done to innocent people. I think I can easily do without diamonds for the rest of my life. Hopefully others can to. Supply and demand; supply and demand; supply and demand....

Oh, by the way, I watched Babel the other night. Very interesting movie; everyone should watch that as well!

CORE ISSUES

I learned something about myself this evening. I uncovered one of my core issues. Of course, how I explain it in my head sounds really good, but getting it out in writing may be another story. Someone made a really mean comment about me to one of my friends and my friend made me aware of it. Rather than let this comment go, I decided to confront this person via e-mail with the guidance of someone in authority. I usually will let things go and go and go and it will eat me up inside causing all kinds of stress. I wanted to deal with this on a professional level rather than ignoring it or blowing up at the person. The person never responded until today, which is over a week later, citing that they just didn't have the time or interest to respond. They then continued with a personal attack on me on several different levels. I was very angry and could feel the anger building up. I had a wonderful day today and I felt my mood changing. I started to feel sick to my stomach and I now have a headache. I decided to take some time to lie down and figure out what was making me feel this way. I have been hindered numerous times from sticking up for myself because I have severe panic attacks when I try or I begin to cry so badly that I cannot speak. Neither of these conditions are conducive to sticking up for oneself. I have often berated myself because of this response and felt like a complete failure and that I would not do anything good with my life because I could not handle someone attacking me in that manner. But what I learned from just being still and contemplating the situation is that the anger, panic, and crying comes from deep core issues that have yet to be resolved. I grew up in a very abusive home. I was the big mouth in the family and constantly received a harsh punishment because of it. I learned early on that sticking up for myself would result in a beating or something worse. The outcome was always unpredictable. I then married and was abused by my husband. It was reaffirmed in my mind that sticking up for myself would equal a beating or something worse. Again, the outcome was always unpredictable. I then moved on to a new relationship where my boyfriend also began to hit me. This was once again the same pattern...I stick up for myself...I get hit or something worse...always unpredictable. I spent thirty-one years being beaten for sticking up for myself and now I wonder why I am afraid to do so. It is not really anger that I feel when I am personally attacked; it is a pure, uninhibited fear. I cannot really blame myself for this reaction. I have lived a long life of fear and unpredictable outcomes where safety was not an option or was a luxury that I could not afford.

Deep-seated fear was not the only thing I learned from this event. I have felt like a fraud for a very long time. I especially feel this way when someone compliments me on something. I am never quite sure how to handle and process a compliment. They mostly evoke a deep sense of guilt in me. I never understand why I receive them or why people think that I am a good enough person to pay a compliment to. I felt this way because people view me as this strong, outgoing, dependable, organized, super woman. I feel weak, shy, undependable, unorganized, and a never good enough woman. In summary, I feel like a complete failure at life. How does someone who feels like a complete failure process a comment like "you are so inspirational to me"? I go home and I cry, because I feel like they don't see the real me. I have come to realize that there are two versions of me that exist. On the outside people see me as the adult Janice and I must be at least some aspect of this adult Janice or I wouldn't receive the compliments that I do. However, inside I am still the little girl who is scared and desperate for someone to love her and accept her and for someone who will not abuse her anymore. I am desperate for predictability and peace. I feel stupid for being upset that some idiot ten years younger than me is personally attacking me. Shouldn't I laugh it off? Wouldn't that be what the adult Janice would do? I don't know. All that I know is that it hurt and evoked the core feelings of fear and inadequacy and spiraled into sickness, panic, anger, and a BIG headache. I don't think it matters who the comments come from. They all hurt just the same.

So, where do I go from here with this new found knowledge. I really just don't know. I need to make progress with this because I have so much to do with my life and I don't have room for that insecure little girl anymore. I guess I will proceed quickly to my therapist's couch to find some kind of solution.

I was told today that I would make a picture perfect politician because of my life experience, my knowledge, my assertiveness, and my compassion. I was shocked to hear that comment and at first thought it was quite laughable. Again, I felt like a fraud believing that I was not capable of receiving such a compliment. Maybe I am not capable of being a picture perfect politician right now, but when I learn to console the little girl inside me and make peace with her and our past, I just might be that picture perfect politician after all!

ILLUMINATION

I watched a movie this evening entitled "Everything is Illuminated". It was devastatingly sad, yet truly illuminating. It was so heart breaking that I cannot sleep. I often wonder why there is so much hatred in the world. Where does it come from? Why does it persist? I don't understand what someone gains by massacring others. Have we become so soul-less, so complacent, that we just don't care anymore? I am deeply devastated by so many things going on in the world today...and what has transpired in the past. I feel so hopeless, not knowing what I can do to make a difference. What can I do to make a change in a world so disrupted, so off kilter, so off course?

I have been reading "Notes From My Travels" from Angelina Jolie off and on for the past several months. It is not a book you can read all at once; yet it is not one you can read in short little bursts. It is crushing to read what occurs in the world around us. We, in America, live in our protective bubble. We are protected from the atrocities taking place all over the world. Unfortunately, we are the cause of many of those atrocities. We suffer from the worst case of exceptionalism; believing that we are special or for some unknown reason better than everyone else in the world. There are those who believe that we should offer no assistance to anyone outside of our country; that those people should fend for themselves. I am disgusted when I hear that. How can your heart not break when you hear of little children having their hands cut off? What the hell is wrong with Americans? I hear ridicule and criticism of Angelina Jolie and Oprah Winfrey because they are offering assistance to other countries. God forbid someone should give a damn about something outside of the United States borders! I am disgusted that such horrific things are going on in this world and our pompous, rich, and spoiled asses are just standing by and watching it go on. What is even more pathetic is that when someone does attempt to help they get ridiculed. What the hell? We are not just "American", we are HUMAN!

I can see that I have a long road ahead of me. I have so much yet to accomplish in my life. I am tired of watching people suffer, I am tired of all of the devastation and destruction. I lived for so long wrapped up in myself thinking that the world revolved around me. I know better now. If I can make the smallest change to create less suffering for those that follow me, that is what I will do. I have come to appreciate the fact that I am alive rather than being so depressed about it. I have come to appreciate that I can breathe, I can eat, I can hug and love my children. I have come to appreciate how much I have been given, how much I have, and how blessed I am. I have come to appreciate this world that I live in and how truly miraculous it is that I live in the United States. For everything that is wrong with the United States, for everything that makes me angry about our systems and our government, we are some of the luckiest individuals in the world. I may be what they define as "poor", but I have a rich mind and a rich life and I will never again forget it. I am thankful every day that I have another day and that I have been blessed with so many opportunities, so many road blocks, so much guidance, so many angels. I hope you will take a moment and think about what you are thankful for. What have you been blessed with? What life are you living that others could only dream of? How illuminated are you?

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

Tonight was one of the best, if not the best night of my life. I was honored at a dinner tonight for being a recipient of a family endowment scholarship. I had the chance to meet the family who chose me as the recipient of their scholarship and I couldn't have been more impressed. There are days when I have cried, wondering if what I am doing is the right thing; wondering if the sacrifices I have had to make are worth it. Tonight puts things into perspective. I have problems with making decisions. I am mortally terrified of making the wrong decision most likely because I have made so many before. Tonight I realized I have made good decisions, I have done the right thing, and the sacrifices I have made have all been worth it.

There were days when my son and I didn't know how we were going to eat or where we were going to live. Tonight we sat together dressed up and eating filet mignon. My son told me how proud he was of me and that he had big shoes to fill (clown shoes to be exact!) and that moment was the best moment of my life. I have made many mistakes and bad decisions and unfortunately my son has been the recipient of all the consequences of my bad decision making. I feel truly blessed that I have been able to show him that you can get kicked to the ground, you can hit rock bottom and wallow there for awhile and still pick yourself back up and start again. I have been blessed beyond even what I could have dreamed for and it helps me to dream bigger and builds my confidence to realize that the sky is the limit. We spoke of adversity tonight and how adversity can be a blessing in the end. This is so true. Had so many bad things not happened to me I would never have experienced the joy that I did tonight.

I have come to realize that I am beginning to feel human now that I am in my thirties. I cannot explain why things are different, but they are. I was a lost soul in my twenties and seemed to wander aimlessly around with no idea of where I was coming from or where I was going. As I have progressed through my thirties life has just become easier. Things have begun to make sense and a good life seems possible. I almost can't wait to see what my forties have in store for me. It can only get better from here. I am so thankful for everything I have been given and the life that I have been given and the people I have met and the people who have hurt me. Everything that I am and everything that I will be is because of where I have been.

It is truly a wonderful life!