LIFE LESSONS

I have begun to learn little life lessons in some of the strangest places; the strangest ways. Maybe they have always been there, but I was too busy to take notice. I have been working on a new life philosophy; I call it a year of peace. I am a high strung person who loves to argue and debate and try to save the world. I decided for my own sanity and for a different perspective that I would try to live a peaceful life for one year. After that year I can go back to being high strung and arguing and debating to my hearts content. I have found through this process, which is in its infant stages, that there are many, many things that I do to sabotage a peaceful existence in this world. I am amazed by some of my behaviors and actions that are very anti-peaceful. I hope this journey will lead me to a new perspective on myself as well as this world that I co-exist in.

Life Lesson:

The other day I was getting ready to take a shower and my little one's rubber ducky cover was over the faucet. In order to turn the shower on I have to remove the rubber ducky cover which is not an easy feat. I pulled and struggled, got angry, and pulled some more. I tried to force it to come off and nearly pulled the faucet out of the wall. It was then that I realized I have been doing this same thing my whole life. I stopped for a minute, took a breath, and slowly removed the rubber ducky. During the ensuing shower I contemplated my new revelation. For my entire life I have been trying to make things do what I want them to do through force. This is objects, people, situations, jobs, school work...you name it. I have tried to make everything do what I want it to. Rather than looking at resistance as a sign that I am moving down the wrong path or making the wrong decision, I have forced my way through without ever looking back. Often, it has been the wrong decision. I am not a decision maker because of I have an enormous fear of making the wrong decision and often I did. I can see why now...I never took the time to look at the decisions that I was making. I blindly made decisions while holding my breathe in an attempt to control my life and everything around me or I made no decision at all.

Whether there is a particular plan laid out for me or I am the one who creates my own destiny, stopping and taking a breath is never the wrong thing to do; forcing things into submission is never the right thing to do. Sometimes it is best to do nothing at all, sometimes it is best to proceed with caution, and sometimes it is best to suppress fear and forge ahead. I truly believe that the right option can be chosen by gauging the amount of resistance in any particular situation. If I find that I am forcing something because I think it is the right thing to do but I am facing insurmountable resistance (i.e. brick wall) then it is time to stop, take a breath, and do nothing at all. If I am not doing something, that I feel could be right, but I am frozen into inaction by fear, I stop, take a breath and gauge the amount of resistance...is it the fear or something else that is causing this resistance? Is there any resistance at all? If it is only fear, I move forward, sometimes cautiously. If there is no resistance at all I move forward full speed ahead and I have had amazing results!

I know that "The Secret" has had a lot of criticism, but one thing I learned just by watching the DVD was how much I let fear control my life. When using the teachings of "The Secret" it helps to relieve some of the fear that is involved with making decisions. For example, if you feel that the Universe has heard your request for a new car and that the car is going to be yours, it is much easier to apply for a car loan. Sometimes there are subtle hints that are all around you if you just tune in. I have an extreme fear of rejection that keeps me from doing many things. I needed a new computer and was trying to figure out a way to get one. I followed the guidelines in "The Secret" and even picked out my perfect computer. Though I was extremely fearful I applied for a computer loan through my bank (after being turned down by other financing) and surprisingly there was no problem at all with getting a computer loan. In fact, the loan officer mentioned that she saw that I had a car loan through some other company and asked if I would like to refinance it? I had been trying for a year or so to find a way to refinance my car. I was paying an extremely high interest rate and a very high payment for the car I was driving. Again, I was terrified, but I said sure! I doubted that it would happen, but I went ahead and gave all the information necessary to find out if I could be approved. Sure enough, I was approved and refinanced my car for 5.75% interest!!! I now have my dream computer as well as a dream car loan! This is only one example of the things that have happened to me just in the last few months. I have been rewarded in so many ways that there is no way to list all of them. I truly believe that if I could learn to quiet some of my deep-seated fears that I have a chance of achieving a level of success in my life that I cannot even dream about right now.

Who would have thought that I could learn so much from a rubber ducky faucet cover?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070527/ap_on_re_mi_ea/darfur_s_misery

This is a devastating story about the rapes taking place in Darfur. I still can't understand why we are not doing anything about these atrocities. It truly breaks my heart and I wish that there was something that I could do. I feel so helpless. We jump into every other international problem why the hell can't we intervene in this one???

CODEPINK

If we all did even a small portion of what CODEPINK does this world would be a different place! They are my sheroes and heroes! Thank you for kicking ass when many of us cannot seem to step outside of our safe little cocoon. I dream that one day all women will be standing behind a large CODEPINK banner marching for peace...demanding peace...whatever it takes!

LIVING A DREAM

It is almost the end of the semester and things are beginning to wind down. It is so interesting how the week before finals everything culminates into excessive amounts of stress and then as the week progresses things begin to slow down and you can start to breathe again. Of course, then you get hit with finals!

My life has been evolving in such a positive way in the past month or I could even say, the past couple of years. I have slowly become aware of my issues and what has brought all of the chaos and destruction into my life. I have started to focus on the positive and the positive has just flowed into my life. I have had a few moments of reflection when a feeling or a sight just catches me off guard and I realize that I am living my dream right now in this very moment. I can remember in the past when I dreamed of living this life and now I am here. It is truly amazing. I have had numerous miracles happen in my life in the last couple of weeks that have just blown my mind. I have been working on living the principles of the law of attraction as well as developing my spirituality and sometimes I swear I can feel the earth shift to bring what I have asked for to fruition. I have, on several occasions, asked for time and I have been given extra time in the most unique ways. Because of the miracles that I have taken place in my life I can no longer question the existence of God or the Angels. I have come to realize that I have been taken care of even when I could not take care of myself. How lucky I have been! How blessed I have been!

I still live with indecision, I still live with pain, but it has become easier. Behind all the fear and anxiety I know everything is going to be okay. I want to know how to better myself physically, mentally, and physically. I am going to take this summer to work on getting healthy. It is hard because of all of the fear of attention and fear of failure that I have to face. It is not fear of failure in the sense of not losing weight; it is fear of failure in reverting back to my old patterns and becoming once again duped by men. I have this deeply ingrained need for the love and attention of men and being overweight is the only way I know of to control this deep-seated need. What if I fall back into the same patterns and end up with another abusive man? What if I become so absorbed in myself that I neglect the needs of my children? I have felt safe being overweight, like no one will touch me or hurt me or harm me. I am not sure how to reconcile losing weight and the sense of security being overweight offers me...except of course, that the security is a myth.

I still crave love and relationships and friends even though I have isolated myself from everyone. I am the type of person who becomes absorbed in other people and cannot find myself. I get absorbed in what they like and what they want and I forget all about my hopes and dreams. I often have referred to myself as a chameleon. I can change to be what other people want me to be. I need to be alone to find out who I am, but I am afraid that when I lose weight it will be hard to resist the temptations that will present themselves to me. I don't want to lose sight of my dreams or myself (whenever I find who I am), but I do miss having a relationship and someone to share time with. Maybe one day :)

I am happy with my life and how it has progressed and is progressing. I can see the light that has returned to my eyes and for that I am forever grateful! There was a time when I did not want to live anymore and I did not think there was anyway that things could get better. Then they got worse. However, I am stubborn and often ignorant to signals, signs, lessons, and anything else God is trying to teach me so I literally got knocked out! That was a wake up call! Ever since my life hit rock bottom it has progressed upward at warp speed. I guess it is true that you have nowhere else to go but up! Now I get to fight the ultimate battle of the bulge. I have done it before. I lost 95 pounds and was featured in Fitness magazine several years ago. I just have to get motivated, not for others, but for myself. I cannot die right now I have too many things to do and I have limited time as it is! I am truly lucky and blessed to be here and to have the opportunity to live in this wonderful world and to make a difference in it. Now I have to get off my butt and start doing something about it! Ta ta!