BREATHE

Wow! Winter break is almost over and it feels like it has hardly begun. One more week and school will be back in session. I will be back to stumbling over myself with busyness and losing myself because of lack of time. There are so many decisions to make and sometimes I like to just crawl into bed and put my blanket over my head and hide. I read and I read and I read hoping to find the big answer; to have the life-altering epiphany. It hasn't come. Though I feel my brain progressing towards a mind, body, spirit connection. Sometimes I do things based purely on the reward that I may receive for doing them. I guess we all do, but I have started to question how much I really get out of doing these things. Is what I am doing really nurturing my spirit and my soul? I come back with a resounding NO! I guess it is not a matter of how to give these things up, it is more a question of what rewards will I lose. Do I think I will disappoint someone...no. It is more about my future. I have a hard time deciding what impact dropping these activities will have on my future success. Will what I do without these things be enough? Will I lose prestige and opportunity for not participating anymore? Can I really explain that I dropped out of these activities because they were not nurturing my soul and spirit any longer? Maybe all of this suffering will pay off in long run? Is that how things work? You suffer and suffer and then the reward is so great that you are glad you stuck with it? Or...is it that you take care of yourself and you nurture your soul and your spirit and everything falls into place? Am I really willing to take a chance with my future? Will I even be around in the future if I keep stressing myself to my limits? So many questions...not too many answers.

I have decided to attempt to lose weight again. I don't want to diet, I just want to get healthy. I am tired of dieting, but I am also tired of being fat. However, being fat works for me. It keeps me safe. I liken it to bubble wrap. If I stay fat everyone will stay away from me. Guys do not talk to me unless they have to or really want to and women actually talk to me and I have female friends. This is quite the opposite of what I had when I was very thin and beautiful. I have to face my fear of men and their devastating effects on me and learn to trust myself. I could not decipher between the creeps and the good guys (never actually met a good guy) and it led me down a path of unspeakable things that still haunt me today. As I lose each pound I become more anxious; more fearful. I want to be around though, I want to live. I have so much to do. Being this overweight will not allow me to pursue my dreams like I need to pursue them. I am too disgusted...too self conscious. I feel like I am a fraud because I am presenting myself to others, not as I truly am, but as a fake. This overweight, bloated body is not me. It is a mechanism I have created to keep others away, to isolate myself from hurt and pain. Funny...it still feels the same. I have not saved myself from anything. I hurt the same, just from different things. I want to find me again. I am hidden under the pounds...somewhere. I hope I am not too late to find myself.

I could write forever and ever. I have so much that goes through my mind. However, I have one wish for this next week. I hope through all the errands and preparations for another semester I will remember to BREATHE!