BLESSED

Today is my birthday and I am truly blessed. Though life has taken some pretty sharp turns and I wasn't sure I would survive, I have begun my journey to my true purpose. In the past two years I have learned so much about my own flaws, my own inadequacies, and where I need to go in my life. I am truly blessed to have the opportunity to get an education and to live the life I only dreamed of before. If I can get this far on so little faith, how far can I go when I actually believe in myself? I am trying to keep an open mind so that I do not limit myself. Those things that I never thought possible have become a reality and that shows me that anything is possible. How can I stop my mind from running the old tapes in my head that I just can't do something? I am alive, I am living and sometimes I don't even realize it. I often complain because I have to walk so far from my parking spot at school to my class. What a shitty thing to do! I am lucky that I can walk! It is hard to be as old as I am and just be learning the lessons that so many learned as children. I have lived for others since I was born. I have lived to please others and to be like others and to be liked by others. I don't know who I am. I have tried numerous times to figure out where I lost my genuine self, but I cannot find that pivotal moment. I think it may be that I never knew myself. You cannot lose what you never had! I am starting from scratch at 33. I am learning, just as a child learns. I am growing just as a child grows. My childhood and subsequent years were spent just trying to survive. I didn't know when I would eat or where I would sleep or if I would be raped or beaten again. I am safe now. Only through this safety can I even take the first step in learning who I am. There are many theories about what leads someone to finding themselves. However, I have never heard someone say that safety is the key. Education, money, possessions, husbands, children all mean nothing if you are not safe. If you spend your lifetime in survival mode you cannot even begin to grow and be nurtured. Safety is the key to finding your soul. Safety is the key to finding your journey in life. One day I will help other women find that safety so that they can begin to learn who they are. If every woman was guaranteed their safety what a wonderful world this would be. If every woman could live one day without fear what a wonderful day that would be. We cannot find our true selves until we are provided with a nurturing and safe environment where the fear of losing our lives is no longer a constant companion. Safety is the key!