LIFE

I am sleepy and there is still so much work to do. Everyone is sleeping and the house is so silent. Ahhh! Peace! I spend a lot of time inside my head. It is so interesting because I can't ever seem to get what is in my head onto paper. I would love it if we could just plug a tape recorder into our minds and record all of our thoughts. What a sight that would be! It could be our own personal mp3 player. How do I articulate what is reeling in my mind day after day? Hmmm... I have been contemplating quite often lately what is reality and what has been socially constructed. What if there is truly no meaning to life? What if we are just here and then we are gone? Is there really a God? Will I be struck down by lightening if I question God's existence? Why are people so hateful? Why am I so angry? I most certainly need to stop watching the news and reading the newspapers. So many things are so wrong and I don't know how to fix them. I am only one person and sometimes it seems not too many other people care. Have we gotten so wrapped up in ourselves that we cannot see things falling apart around us? There are so many times that I wish I could go back to my old ignorant self. I wish I could live like I was the only one that mattered. Unfortunately, I cannot go back. I have an internal struggle between my soul and my mind and it is very frustrating at times. I want to be quiet and not seen and shy away and crawl in a hole. I don't want people to see me; I want to be invisible. That is in my mind. I have even tried to make myself into this "ideal" person that I think I want to be; all to no avail. It is inevitable that I will open my mouth and say something, that I will get involved, that I will take charge, even when I don't want to. I have experimented with this. I always thought that every one was like me and if I would step back someone else would step up to the plate and take control and get things done. This past summer I tried this at a retreat. I tried to sit back and let others in my group take the lead. I was completely shocked when no one else in the group stepped up. I waited for three days for someone in my group to take the leadership role, but no one ever did. Needless to say...I did. It is in my soul to lead, it is in my soul to fight, it is in my soul to right the wrongs and I just cannot change it. My mind knows that this will be a long and hard role. I am not taking the easy way out. I have started my own motto "If it is easy it isn't worth doing"! It seems every time I try to take the easy way out it has devastating consequences. I have so much more to say, but my homework calls and it is already after 2:00 am. No sleep for the soul searcher...