EMPTY

I feel empty today. Numb. Void. Why is it that when we have less we always want more and when we have more we wish we had less. I lost myself somewhere along the way; though I am not sure where. Life got away from me and I am just moving through the motions but I am not here. I don't know where I stopped doing it all. It was there and I had it all but I started to let go of the little things. No one would notice, they didn't really matter. I had to hang on to the big things...that was what was important. Those little things were pieces of me. I have given away little pieces of me...I have let go of little pieces of me and now there is nothing left but void and emptiness. I have been beaten, raped, and dominated too many times that now I cannot feel. I can only feel intense pain...that is all and that does not come very often. How do I know that I am alive when I walk through the motions with no feelings? How do I know I am not just a dream; this is all just a dream? I stay busy because when it is quiet and there is nothing to do, I think. Thinking is dangerous because it leads to questions; it leads to why's and how's. How can I change the world when I cannot even feel? How can I have it all and be it all when all I want is to be me? Why can't I just be normal and wish for nothing more than what I have? Why do my head and my soul fight so often? Where did I lose me? Where did I go? Will I ever come back? I just move through the motions so no one will know that I am not alive. I am a fake. I am a fraud. I am a thief. I copy others so they will not know that I am different. I don't want them to know that I am different, that I can think on my own. That my mind wanders and thinks of crazy things. I just want to be a part of something because maybe then I will feel. I cannot feel, I am numb. I have been hurt so badly that I cannot feel the pain anymore. How busy do I have to stay so that I will not think? How many things can I find to do so that I will not be alone to think? I cannot trust myself. Myself often betrays me when I am not watching. I live a life of work and nightmares and nothing in between. In the absence of pain is the absence of happiness. What do I want to do with my life? Can I make a difference in the world or is that just my soul teasing my brain? Shouldn't I stay where it is safe? Can't others change the world for me while I stand by and live my safe life? Maybe one day my heart and my head and my soul will agree on something. Maybe then I will be able to feel again...maybe then I won't be numb and void and empty~