OUT OF SYNC

I have been feeling really out of sync lately. I feel like I am going through each day without actually being present. Sometimes through the numbness something comes through and hits me right in the heart. I just got done writing a commentary on what men can do to help prevent gender violence. I think the biggest thing they can do is encourage women to no longer be silent. We have been socialized to be silent and submissive and I have surely done that throughout my life. I have an enormous backlog of anger and resentment because of this silence. I have silently endured three rapes, numerous beatings, sexual harassment, sexual advances by police while on duty, police misconduct, and a judge who found my ex-boyfriend who beat me unconscious when I was pregnant not guilty because I just didn't know when to let things go. I am on automatic pilot when it comes to being silent, but there is this little part of me that tries to fight it. Sometimes I will burst out at inappropriate times over inappropriate things. It is like this little part of me will do anything just to come through. However, I feel an immense sense of shame and regret every time that I stand up for myself. I feel a fear that I might be wrong or that people may get mad at me. It is an immense fear not just a little nagging in the back of my head. I feel that I could be a truly phenomenal person if I could learn to stand up for myself in an appropriate manner at the appropriate times. However, I am stuck. The fear that I feel makes me question my motives, my strength, and my judgment. Wouldn't things just be better if I kept my mouth shut? I think I feel out of sync because my soul is fighting for survival. I have stored my soul away for safe keeping but I think it is slowly dying. I have the best intentions. I am trying to keep my soul from being completely destroyed by this cold-hearted world that we live in; but it is dying anyway. I don't know how to push the fear away. Even when the nightmares are gone, I still have the emotional reactions every single day. They keep me in a constant state of panic, anxiety, anger, and rage. They keep me from moving on with my life. I am stuck and I don't know how to escape. I look at a picture of myself when I was very young. I see the girl that nobody loved, the girl that was neglected, the girl who was so scared that she might die. This unpredictable world with its unpredictable occurrences. I want to hug that little girl and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but wouldn't that be a lie. I know the truth, I know what happens next and she never could have anticipated that her life would have been so bad. I heard a quote on Oprah that "forgiveness is giving up the idea that your life could have been any different". I would do anything to go back and warn that little girl of what was to come and maybe that is what I keep hanging on to. If I had just known, if I had just paid attention, if I had just done this or just done that things would be different. Maybe one day soon I will be able to let go of the notion that I could have done things differently and that I am not the horrible abomination that I see myself as now. I know that I will use these experiences to make life easier for those who follow me but it will take a complete transformation for me to get to that point. I have to learn to let go of the fear and to feel confident in my skin so that when I speak up, when I stand up for myself, I am doing it for the benefit of the betterment of society and not out of a deeply rooted rage that cannot be contained.