LIVING A DREAM

It is almost the end of the semester and things are beginning to wind down. It is so interesting how the week before finals everything culminates into excessive amounts of stress and then as the week progresses things begin to slow down and you can start to breathe again. Of course, then you get hit with finals!

My life has been evolving in such a positive way in the past month or I could even say, the past couple of years. I have slowly become aware of my issues and what has brought all of the chaos and destruction into my life. I have started to focus on the positive and the positive has just flowed into my life. I have had a few moments of reflection when a feeling or a sight just catches me off guard and I realize that I am living my dream right now in this very moment. I can remember in the past when I dreamed of living this life and now I am here. It is truly amazing. I have had numerous miracles happen in my life in the last couple of weeks that have just blown my mind. I have been working on living the principles of the law of attraction as well as developing my spirituality and sometimes I swear I can feel the earth shift to bring what I have asked for to fruition. I have, on several occasions, asked for time and I have been given extra time in the most unique ways. Because of the miracles that I have taken place in my life I can no longer question the existence of God or the Angels. I have come to realize that I have been taken care of even when I could not take care of myself. How lucky I have been! How blessed I have been!

I still live with indecision, I still live with pain, but it has become easier. Behind all the fear and anxiety I know everything is going to be okay. I want to know how to better myself physically, mentally, and physically. I am going to take this summer to work on getting healthy. It is hard because of all of the fear of attention and fear of failure that I have to face. It is not fear of failure in the sense of not losing weight; it is fear of failure in reverting back to my old patterns and becoming once again duped by men. I have this deeply ingrained need for the love and attention of men and being overweight is the only way I know of to control this deep-seated need. What if I fall back into the same patterns and end up with another abusive man? What if I become so absorbed in myself that I neglect the needs of my children? I have felt safe being overweight, like no one will touch me or hurt me or harm me. I am not sure how to reconcile losing weight and the sense of security being overweight offers me...except of course, that the security is a myth.

I still crave love and relationships and friends even though I have isolated myself from everyone. I am the type of person who becomes absorbed in other people and cannot find myself. I get absorbed in what they like and what they want and I forget all about my hopes and dreams. I often have referred to myself as a chameleon. I can change to be what other people want me to be. I need to be alone to find out who I am, but I am afraid that when I lose weight it will be hard to resist the temptations that will present themselves to me. I don't want to lose sight of my dreams or myself (whenever I find who I am), but I do miss having a relationship and someone to share time with. Maybe one day :)

I am happy with my life and how it has progressed and is progressing. I can see the light that has returned to my eyes and for that I am forever grateful! There was a time when I did not want to live anymore and I did not think there was anyway that things could get better. Then they got worse. However, I am stubborn and often ignorant to signals, signs, lessons, and anything else God is trying to teach me so I literally got knocked out! That was a wake up call! Ever since my life hit rock bottom it has progressed upward at warp speed. I guess it is true that you have nowhere else to go but up! Now I get to fight the ultimate battle of the bulge. I have done it before. I lost 95 pounds and was featured in Fitness magazine several years ago. I just have to get motivated, not for others, but for myself. I cannot die right now I have too many things to do and I have limited time as it is! I am truly lucky and blessed to be here and to have the opportunity to live in this wonderful world and to make a difference in it. Now I have to get off my butt and start doing something about it! Ta ta!