CORE ISSUES

I learned something about myself this evening. I uncovered one of my core issues. Of course, how I explain it in my head sounds really good, but getting it out in writing may be another story. Someone made a really mean comment about me to one of my friends and my friend made me aware of it. Rather than let this comment go, I decided to confront this person via e-mail with the guidance of someone in authority. I usually will let things go and go and go and it will eat me up inside causing all kinds of stress. I wanted to deal with this on a professional level rather than ignoring it or blowing up at the person. The person never responded until today, which is over a week later, citing that they just didn't have the time or interest to respond. They then continued with a personal attack on me on several different levels. I was very angry and could feel the anger building up. I had a wonderful day today and I felt my mood changing. I started to feel sick to my stomach and I now have a headache. I decided to take some time to lie down and figure out what was making me feel this way. I have been hindered numerous times from sticking up for myself because I have severe panic attacks when I try or I begin to cry so badly that I cannot speak. Neither of these conditions are conducive to sticking up for oneself. I have often berated myself because of this response and felt like a complete failure and that I would not do anything good with my life because I could not handle someone attacking me in that manner. But what I learned from just being still and contemplating the situation is that the anger, panic, and crying comes from deep core issues that have yet to be resolved. I grew up in a very abusive home. I was the big mouth in the family and constantly received a harsh punishment because of it. I learned early on that sticking up for myself would result in a beating or something worse. The outcome was always unpredictable. I then married and was abused by my husband. It was reaffirmed in my mind that sticking up for myself would equal a beating or something worse. Again, the outcome was always unpredictable. I then moved on to a new relationship where my boyfriend also began to hit me. This was once again the same pattern...I stick up for myself...I get hit or something worse...always unpredictable. I spent thirty-one years being beaten for sticking up for myself and now I wonder why I am afraid to do so. It is not really anger that I feel when I am personally attacked; it is a pure, uninhibited fear. I cannot really blame myself for this reaction. I have lived a long life of fear and unpredictable outcomes where safety was not an option or was a luxury that I could not afford.

Deep-seated fear was not the only thing I learned from this event. I have felt like a fraud for a very long time. I especially feel this way when someone compliments me on something. I am never quite sure how to handle and process a compliment. They mostly evoke a deep sense of guilt in me. I never understand why I receive them or why people think that I am a good enough person to pay a compliment to. I felt this way because people view me as this strong, outgoing, dependable, organized, super woman. I feel weak, shy, undependable, unorganized, and a never good enough woman. In summary, I feel like a complete failure at life. How does someone who feels like a complete failure process a comment like "you are so inspirational to me"? I go home and I cry, because I feel like they don't see the real me. I have come to realize that there are two versions of me that exist. On the outside people see me as the adult Janice and I must be at least some aspect of this adult Janice or I wouldn't receive the compliments that I do. However, inside I am still the little girl who is scared and desperate for someone to love her and accept her and for someone who will not abuse her anymore. I am desperate for predictability and peace. I feel stupid for being upset that some idiot ten years younger than me is personally attacking me. Shouldn't I laugh it off? Wouldn't that be what the adult Janice would do? I don't know. All that I know is that it hurt and evoked the core feelings of fear and inadequacy and spiraled into sickness, panic, anger, and a BIG headache. I don't think it matters who the comments come from. They all hurt just the same.

So, where do I go from here with this new found knowledge. I really just don't know. I need to make progress with this because I have so much to do with my life and I don't have room for that insecure little girl anymore. I guess I will proceed quickly to my therapist's couch to find some kind of solution.

I was told today that I would make a picture perfect politician because of my life experience, my knowledge, my assertiveness, and my compassion. I was shocked to hear that comment and at first thought it was quite laughable. Again, I felt like a fraud believing that I was not capable of receiving such a compliment. Maybe I am not capable of being a picture perfect politician right now, but when I learn to console the little girl inside me and make peace with her and our past, I just might be that picture perfect politician after all!